Dante's DIY Pizza
by OpenValor
Summary: They're broke. Vergil says they can't order pizza, Nero asks what's for dinner and Dante sulks cause they just ran out of strawberry ice cream. But what happens when Virgil comes back with ingredients to pizza? R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**UPDATE(26/2/10): ZOMG I GOT 900 HITS!!!! THANKS GUYS!!!! I'M TEARING UP!!! ^_^**

_**DISCLAIMER: I **__**DO NOT OWN**__** Devil May Cry. CAPCOM DOES.  
If I did it then Vergil wouldn't be in Hell, Kyrie would self combust in the middle of the game…and Dante and Nero would get together and continuously have Yaoi moments for our entertainment!  
XD  
Contains some OOCness and loads of PIZZA SAUCE!!!**_

_**  
**_Chapter 1 – No pizza?

"Eh? Are you telling me I can't order pizza?" Dante took his feet off his desk, and leaned in to stare Vergil right in the eye.  
"Yes brother. If you haven't noticed we haven't been on any good jobs lately and you are still knee-deep in debt. Even my financial skills aren't good enough for that," he ran his hand through his silvery hair.

Dante grumbled as he stood up.  
"Well we should have some money here somewhere!" he said, walking around.  
"No Dante," Vergil looked at him. They did indeed have money in the house, but Vergil didn't want to tell Dante that did he?

"OI!!! OLD MAN!!! THE PLUMBING'S GONE AGAIN!!!" Nero called from up the stairs.  
"JUST HIT THE PIPE!!" Dante called back.  
Vergil turned around, and headed for the door.  
"Where are you going?" asked Dante, looking at his twin brother.  
"Out," Vergil replied, opening the door, and closing it behind him.  
Dante sat in his chair again, pulling out Ebony and Ivory. He grabbed a cloth and started to clean them, trying to avoid the fact that he couldn't order pizza and that they just ran out of strawberry ice cream.

--------

Vergil stood outside the grocery store, contemplating to himself. He had about $50 left in his wallet after a small job that only consisted of Scarecrows and a cheap client. Vergil tried to restrain himself of beheading the client, knowing that there wasn't any point on wasting his skill on a man who was shorter and more stubborn than Dante.  
"I cannot believe that I'm doing this," he said out loud to himself.  
"Excuse me sir, you can't stand out here," a security guard walked up to Vergil.  
"I wasn't planning to," Vergil shot the guard a glare that would have made four year olds cry.  
The guard backed off, walking back to his post.  
Vergil sighed, and walked into the store.

--------

Meanwhile, Nero was on the couch, staring at the ceiling.  
"Hey old man, what's for dinner?"  
Dante didn't respond, and continued to clean his guns. Ebony and Ivory were shiny enough to blind anyone now, but that didn't stop Dante.  
"Dante, I asked you a question," Nero looked at him.  
"I have no idea. Don't ask me," Dante replied, his eyebrows squashing together in concentration.  
"Well too bad I'm asking. Where's Vergil?" Nero shifted his position to face himself towards Dante.  
"Out. Well that's what he said," Dante finally stopped cleaning.  
"Uh huh," Nero scratched his nose with his human hand.  
"And he also said that I can't order pizza cause we're broke!" Dante pounded his fist on the desk. No pizza? That was like putting Dante in a room full of Blitz with no door out!  
"Jesus old man, no need to hurt the furniture," Nero looked at him.

The doors opened.  
"What the hell is that?" asked Dante, staring at the open doors.  
"Haha, now this is going to be interesting," Nero stood up.  
Vergil came back.  
And he had two bags of groceries in each hand.  
"This Dante, is ingredients," Vergil said, walking inside.  
"Ingredients? To what?" asked Dante.  
Nero stood up and closed the doors, then walked into the kitchen, mumbling something that sounded like '_I hope Dante gets covered in pizza sauce'_.  
Vergil smiled.  
"Pizza."


	2. Isn't that why they invented pizzerias?

Chapter 2 – Isn't that why they invented Pizzerias?

"Pizza? I don't get it," Dante scratched the back of his head.  
Virgil rolled his eyes, and walked passed Dante and his desk.  
"Verge, I don't get it! I thought we didn't have any money!" Dante followed Virgil into the kitchen.

The kitchen.  
Nothing was worse than Dante's kitchen. It was a small room, (half the size of Dante's bedroom) that consisted of a beat down fridge and a stove that looked like it lasted the entire Stone Age. Nero stood in the corner, snickering to himself.  
"Shut up Kid or I'll throw you out," Dante muttered.  
"I don't care old man, I'm faster than you anyway," Nero replied, folding his arms.

Virgil put the groceries on the bench, and started to unpack the plastic bags.  
"Verge, you didn't answer my question," Dante looked behind Virgil's shoulder, looking at all the food that Virgil uncovered.  
"Dante, you're so simple minded…it annoys me sometimes…" Virgil replied.  
"That's my job bro…Answer my question!"  
"Well little brother, I thought that you should make your own pizza if you're so persistent on buying it all the time. So I saved you the trouble and got you the ingredients." Virgil took the plastic bags and tied them together, throwing them in a corner.  
Dante stared at him with wide eyes. "ME? Make my own pizza? Are you INSANE?"  
Nero burst into laughter. "What is it old man? Got too much arthritis? Cant move your hands?"  
Dante growled. "Why do I have to make my own? Isn't that why they invented pizzerias? They make the pizza, and we buy the pizza! Why would you do this to me Verge?" he looked at Virgil, who was washing his hands.  
"I didn't do anything," Virgil replied.  
"You did too!" Dante insisted.  
Nero cracked up in his corner, clutching his stomach.

Virgil sighed, taking off his blue coat and went out of the kitchen, placing it over a chair. He went back inside and opened the draw, taking out a few plates, and a chopping board.  
"Where did you get all this?" asked Dante, watching his older brother take out more utensils.  
"Never mind where I got it. Now take your gloves off and that stupid coat, and wash your hands," replied Virgil, taking out a knife.  
Dante stood there, speechless. "Now, now, Verge, you're not serious about this are you?" Dante looked at his brother.  
"If I wasn't serious, then I wouldn't have wasted $50 on ingredients now would I? Hurry up," Virgil started to sharpen the knife.  
"This is a whole load of bullshit…making my own pizza…" Dante stormed out of the kitchen, taking his coat and gloves off.  
"I am so going to call Lady and Trish," Nero said, watching Dante walk out.  
"Do what you want. I'm sure if they film it, it would be great blackmail," Virgil replied, assorting the vegetables.

--------

Nero ran out of the kitchen and straight to the phone. He dialled Trish's number, a grin on his face.  
_'Hello?' _Trish's voice was bored.  
"Hey Trish, its Nero," Nero couldn't stop smiling.  
_'Oh hey Nero. What's up?'  
_"You want some serious blackmail for Dante?" asked Nero.  
_'Sure. What's happening?'  
_"Virgil is forcing Dante to make pizza."  
_-Silence-  
_"Trish?"  
_'Has Dante started?' _Trish sounded overly excited.  
"Not yet, but he's about to. Do you mind if you get Lady? We're broke again and I don't want to ride up the phone bill…" Nero tapped the desk absently.  
_'Sure honey…Oh this is going to be great! Don't tell him to start yet I wanna be there when he stuffs up! We'll be there as soon as we can!'  
_"Ok. Bye."  
_'Bye!'  
_Nero hung up, and went back to the kitchen.

--------

Dante was washing his hands, a look of annoyance on his face.  
"Stupid brother with stupid ideas with a stupid plan for making stupid pizza…" he muttered.  
He turned the water off, and Virgil threw a tea towel at him. Dante started to dry his hands.  
"Are you ready to begin?" asked Virgil.  
"I swear Verge as soon as I make this stupid pizza I'm gonna punch your face in," Dante replied.  
"Say what you want. Now, first you make the dough," Virgil slid a bowl with flour, milk and whatever was needed to make the dough across the bench and into Dante's hands.  
"Dough? We're starting from scratch?" Dante looked at him.  
Virgil nodded. "Mix it until it all goes together. And then I'll tell you what to do next."

The doors burst open.  
"DID WE MISS ANYTHING??!!" Trish and Lady stormed in, going straight to the kitchen.  
"Trish? Lady? What are you doing here?" Dante looked at them. He especially looked at Lady, who was holding a video camera.  
"We wanted to see you stuff up…and we also wanted to film it for our own purposes," said Lady.  
"Aw, shit…" Dante looked away as Lady turned on the camera and hit record.  
"Mix." Virgil ordered.  
"Tch." Dante started to mix the contents in the bowl.

--------

"Done. What now?" Dante stopped, and looked at Virgil.  
"Take the dough out of the bowl and knead it," Virgil replied.  
Dante did as he was told. As he was about to put the dough on the bench, Virgil stopped him.  
"After you put flour on the bench brother," he finished.  
"Ok…" Dante sighed, and got a handful of flour, dumping it all in one spot.  
Virgil smacked his forehead with his palm while Nero, Lady and Trish laughed.  
"What?" asked Dante, looking at the others.  
"You spread the flour Dante. Don't put it all on one spot!" Virgil glared at his younger brother.  
"Well you didn't say anything!!" Dante replied.  
"I thought you would've known! I must be an imbecile if I thought that you would…" Virgil rolled his eyes.  
The others continued to laugh.  
"Shut up!! Argh," Dante put his hand over the pile of flour, and spread it along the bench. "Am I safe now?" Dante asked, looking at Virgil.  
"Yes," Virgil replied.  
Dante dropped the dough on the bench, and started to knead the dough, ignoring the 8 sets of eyes that were on him.

* * *

A/N: Chapter two is complete!!!  
I think im going well with my first DMC fanifc....^_^  
LOL, poor Dante.....i wonder how the pizza is going to turn out?


	3. Too Much Pizza Sauce?

Chapter 3 – Too much pizza sauce?

"Verge, you bastard, why am I doing this?" Dante continued to bash the dough.  
Everyone watched intently as Virgil moved to the stove, opening the oven that was beneath it. (You know what I mean right?)  
"You're doing this because we're broke, and I'm sick of eating grease filled pizza that came out of God knows what," Vergil replied, closing the oven and turning a knob to 180 degrees.  
"You had 50 bucks and you didn't bother to buy Strawberry ice cream?" Dante looked at his twin.  
"It wasn't necessary. Now stop hitting it and get the rolling pin," Vergil glanced at the dough which looked like it was abused endlessly.  
"Fine…" Dante grabbed it, and started to roll out the dough.  
"Come on Dante, stuff up," Nero tapped his foot on the tiled floor.  
"Shut up kid," Dante replied.  
"Make me old man," Nero said.  
"You know what kid? I wasn't joking when I said I'd kick you out," he turned to face Nero.  
"I wasn't joking either old man," Nero replied, glaring at Dante.  
"Would you two just shut your mouths?" Vergil looked at them both "You know Dante you still have to cut the vegetables."  
"You didn't buy olives did you?" Dante looked at him.  
"No brother I didn't. That should be enough," Vergil looked at the dough that was now rolled out into a nice, neat circle.

Trish sighed. "Hurry up Dante. By all means, move at a glacial pace."  
"Fuck you Trish," Dante muttered.  
She laughed humourlessly.  
Vergil moved the dough onto a pizza pan, and wiped away all the excess flour.  
"Since when did you know how to cook?" asked Dante.  
"If you want to survive Dante, you need to learn how to care of yourself. One of these ways is cooking. I'm not hopeless like you who orders food and wastes money like water," Vergil moved the chopping board in front of Dante, setting the knife on top.  
"That really hurts Verge. That really…hurts," Dante smiled.  
Vergil threw an onion at Dante. "Cut it."  
"Eh? How?" Dante looked at Virgil with a clueless expression.  
The others snickered.  
"Another reason why you need to learn these things," Vergil took the onion out of his hands, and peeled it with unbelievable speed.  
"There. Cut it."  
"Ok…" Dante took the knife, and cut the onion in half, and set it on its flat side. He started to cut it slowly.  
"Hey, I'm getting the han—SHIT!!!" Dante yelled, clutching his hand.

Trish and Nero laughed loudly while Lady struggled to keep the camera steady.  
"What now?" asked Vergil.  
"I cut my fucking hand!! GOD!! And my eyes are stinging like hell! What the hell is this!!?? FUCK!!!" Dante squeezed his eyes shut.  
Vergil pursed his lips, trying to refrain from laughing. "Brother…maybe you should go to the sink."  
"I think I will!" Dante replied, stumbling over to the sink.  
The others continued to laugh.  
Dante managed to turn the water on, placing his sliced hand over the running water. The cut was already healing nicely, so Dante only cleaned the blood.

Meanwhile, his eyes were still stinging.  
"Argh, stupid onion. Did you know this was going to happen Verge?" asked Dante, who started to wash his face.  
"Uh…I…had no idea that was going to happen," Vergil replied, looking away with his eyes. He might as well have some fun while he was at it.  
"…You did, didn't you?" Dante asked again, turning off the tap.  
"Absolutely not. Here," Vergil took out a small tub of pizza sauce and a spoon.  
"What do I do with this?" asked Dante.  
Vergil sighed.  
"Oh I don't know old man, you put that on the dough jackass," Nero replied, sarcasm dripping from every word.  
"Well how am I supposed to know? It just looks like a tub of tomato sauce," Dante took the spoon and sauce from Vergil.  
"Knowing you, everything looks like tomato sauce," Nero replied, crossing his arms.  
"Does not!" Dante said, glaring at Nero.  
Nero glared back, his Devil Bringer raised.  
"Brother. Nero. Stop. The more you talk, the later we have dinner," Vergil looked at the both of them, using the authority in his voice.  
Dante turned around and Nero scoffed. "Fine," they both said.  
Trish and Lady were quiet, the film still rolling.  
"Ok, Dante, you put that sauce on the base," Vergil pointed to the dough.

"Alright then," Dante spooned a huge amount of sauce onto the base. It looked like he put the whole contents of the tub on it.  
-Silence-  
"Am I doing it right?" Dante asked.  
-More silence-  
"Guys?" he looked around.  
Their faces were blank. But Trish looked like she was biting the inside of her cheek, maybe to stop laughing.  
"Verge?" Dante looked at his brother, who was staring at the base.  
Dante sighed, and cleared his throat. "GUYS? AM I DOING IT RIGHT?" he asked again.  
"…Uh...maybe you should take some of that off," Nero choked, looking at the dough that was covered in thick pizza sauce. The sauce was about to drip over the pan and onto the floor.  
"Oh? Really?" Dante glanced at the base.  
Everyone nodded.

* * *

What happens next? I have no idea...i just got writers block...dammit!  
review if you want more!!  
^_^


	4. We do have insurance right Vergil?

Chapter 4 – "We do have insurance right Vergil?" 

Dante stared blankly at the pizza base like everyone else.  
"Should I take some off?" he asked.  
Nero bit his thumb. "Yeah…"  
Dante looked at Trish and Lady. "You guys alright?"  
They both nodded very, _very _slowly.  
"Verge?" Dante looked at his brother.  
"Take. Some. Of. It. Off. _Now._" Vergil demanded.  
The pizza sauce dripped off the edge of the bench and onto the floor. There was something about the sauce that made everyone freeze.  
Dante scooped some of the sauce off the base and back into the tub. He continued until the tub was half full.

"There," Dante smiled.  
-Silence-  
"Aw, come on guys, I fixed it up right?" Dante looked around.  
Vergil sighed. "Forget about the base. What do you want on the pizza?"  
Dante smirked. "The works."  
"Meaning?" Vergil never understood Dante's vocabulary. 'The works' didn't even make sense. _'Seriously,'_ Vergil thought.  
"I mean, I want everything on it."  
"Aw nah Dante, of course not," Nero mocked.  
Dante quickly gave him the finger. Vergil swallowed, and tried to conjure up his calmest voice possible.  
"Brother. Tell me what 'everything' is…please," Vergil bit his lower lip.

"Alright then Verge. I want tomatoes, mushrooms, pepperoni, cheese, pineapple, capsicum, ham, onion, bacon, chicken…." Dante trailed off, thinking.  
Vergil struggled to keep his mouth shut. That was a lot. Was there anything else that existed? Nero's eyes were wide while Trish and Lady mentally contemplated Dante's intellectual capacity. How the hell did Dante know about all of this? Well he did have pizza every day of his life….  
This question was in everyone's mind. Except Dante of course.  
"..Oh yeah, and tomato sauce..." Dante finished.  
"Is…is…that it..?" asked Vergil.  
Dante nodded. "Yup. Does that mean we have to cut it?"  
Vergil stared at the ground. "Dante, i don't think I have half of what you said."  
"Seriously? Jeez Verge; I thought you would have known." Dante now had a smug look on his face.  
"Well, I didn't think that you would want that much Dante," Vergil countered, looking at the vegetables.  
"Aw, that's disappointing bro…alright, what do we have then?" asked Dante.  
"….Everything but chicken and pineapple...but first…I think you should grate the cheese," Vergil smiled mischievously. (A rare sight…T_T)

"Grate the cheese? Didn't you buy it grated?" Dante looked around for the block of cheese that Vergil was talking about.  
"No brother…I didn't," Vergil smiled again.  
Nero chuckled. "How about it old man? You can grate cheese right?"  
"I will literally kick you out of my shop kid. I will. Don't push it," Dante glared at Nero again.  
"Would you two just shut up??!!" Vergil yelled. He was on the edge. He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose with his forefinger and thumb.  
"Whoa. Bro, did you just say 'shut up'?" Dante looked at his older brother.  
"What if I did? Are you going to hit me?" Vergil hissed, his eyes still closed.  
Meanwhile, Trish and Lady were almost out of the kitchen, giving the angry, blue eyed half devil some space. (Gawd that sounds sexy doesn't it? ^_^)  
"No Verge. It's just a first that's all," Dante smiled apologetically.  
"Just grate the goddamn cheese Dante," Vergil sighed, and opened his eyes.  
"Grating," Dante grabbed the grater that was on the bench, and took the cheese from the fridge. He grabbed a bowl and started to grate.

It was silent.  
Vergil stood quietly, breathing slowly to calm himself down. He suddenly had a craving for some chocolate or something sugar filled. He never told Dante that he was the one who ate most of his ice cream after he came back from a mission. Dante always thought that some person sneaked in and ate all of it. But he was way off. Vergil smacked himself mentally. He, a son of the Legendary Dark Knight Sparda resorting to eating strawberry ice cream when he was mad?  
Stupid. Well that was what Vergil thought. Personally he liked chocolate fudge over strawberry. He smacked himself again. _'Get yourself together!'  
_"OWWWWW!!!! GODAMMIT!!!!" Dante's voice knocked Vergil out of his silent musing.  
Nero laughed. "Cut yourself again? Seriously old man, you can't resist cutting yourself cant you?"  
"Brother…what did you do?" Vergil asked.  
"The grater cut my finger! Why? Why does it have to be so sharp?" Dante sucked on the cut finger.  
"If it wasn't sharp, then it wouldn't grate anything now would it? That's enough cheese. I'll cut the tomato and mushrooms, while you can fix up the bacon and pepperoni alright?" Vergil walked over to the bench, grabbing another chopping board.  
"What about the capsicum and ham? And the onion?" Dante asked.  
"I will take care of that. Just fix up the ones I told you," Vergil replied.  
"Ok bro. Whatever you say."

--------

Everything was done, and the pizza was finally in the oven. Lady put the camera on pause while Nero, Dante and Trish decided to watch TV. Lady sat in one of the chairs, playing back the film. She laughed occasionally. Vergil decided to take Dante's spot at the desk and read. He even had his feet up on the desk like Dante. The book was leather bound; its brown worn out state showed that Vergil read this book frequently. He turned a page, humming quietly to himself, and running a hand in his hair to keep it in its spiked state.  
"Hmmm, that smells good," Dante commented while the show was on commercial break.  
"It does…god I'm hungry now," Nero sniffed, taking in the smell of pizza sauce and countless toppings.  
"Well, let's check up on it shall we?" Vergil stood up, marking his page.  
Everyone stood up and went to the kitchen. Lady put the camera on record.  
"Is it supposed to do that?" asked Nero, who was looking at the oven. It was shaking ever so slightly. It looked like it was going to blow.  
"I dunno. Verge?" Dante looked at his brother.  
"…I don't think so…OH SHIT!!"  
-KABOOM!!-  
The smoke settled.  
Everyone was covered in pizza sauce. And cheese. Half of the kitchen was black due to the blast.  
"Oh. My. God." Trish twitched.  
Lady was silent.  
"HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THIS OFF!!! PIZZA SAUCE STAINS!!!" Nero stared at his clothes that were red in all the wrong places.  
Vergil was silent.  
Dante cracked up into laughter. "We do have insurance right Vergil?"  
"This is the most stupid idea that I have ever thought of," Vergil muttered.

* * *

Well, there goes the kitchen....LOL. i do hope they have insurance...  
Review if you want to know what happens next! ^_^  
Thanks!


	5. Remind me to never let you cook again

Chapter 5 – "Remind me to never let you cook again."

-One week later-  
The three demon hunters walked into their shop, all covered in blood and guts.  
"I'm hungry," Dante sighed.  
Vergil stopped breathing. The phase '_I'm hungry' _was evil. Ever since the Pizza incident Vergil didn't want to hear anything to do with food.  
"…Hungry?" Vergil asked.  
"Yep…" Dante trailed off, glancing at his older brother.  
Vergil scoffed. "Typical."  
Nero walked up the stairs, wanting nothing to do with the brothers' conversation. "I'm going to have a shower," he muttered.  
"Aw, Verge, you're still not angry about the Pizza thing are you?" asked Dante, grinning.  
"Of course I am Dante. If you didn't notice, the kitchen blew up and the insurance company wouldn't take our claim because you're in too much debt!" Vergil replied.  
"Well….That isn't my fault!" Dante said.  
Vergil's jaw was tight. "…Just go and eat something…"  
"Hmph. Fine," Dante walked away, putting away his trademark weapons.

Vergil walked up the stairs, going towards his room. His room was the same size as Dante's but instead of wasting the space, he bordered his room with bookshelves, his bed in the centre of the room with its head against the east wall. Vergil placed Yamato on its shelf, and took his blue coat off. He held it in front of him, looking at the stains of demon blood. "Dammit, I have to soak this again," he muttered to himself. Then he looked down at his vest. It was ripped in places. Lots of places to be exact. He sighed in annoyance and took his vest off, showing his bare chest. It was covered in numerous scars, memories of certain jobs or places that were a bit too hard for Vergil to handle.

"I DID IT!!! YES!!!" Dante exclaimed.  
Nero came out of the bathroom, and looked at Vergil. "What did the old man do this time? Did he manage to successfully jack himself off or something?"  
"I don't think that is the case Nero," Vergil replied.  
Nero blushed a faint red. "I wonder what it is then…?" he walked away and down the stairs, mumbling something about figuring out his sexuality and how Vergil said his name.  
Vergil shook his head. The young adults' hormones were kicking in again. Vergil walked down the stairs to find Dante holding a bowl of noodles.  
Two minute noodles.  
"May I ask what the situation is brother?" he asked.  
"I made something! Without blowing the kitchen up!" Dante held the bowl of noodles.  
"Good for you then…" Vergil replied.  
Dante grabbed a fork, and ate some of the noodles, only to spit them out.  
"What?" asked Nero.  
"They. Taste. Like. Shit." Dante said.  
Vergil laughed.  
"I guess that was payback from the kitchen? Remind me to never let you cook again," Vergil walked back up the stairs, heading to the shower.  
"Never ever! Kid! Order some pizza will you?" Dante threw the phone at Nero.

"Pizza again? Great…." Nero sighed, and hit speed dial.

* * *

YES!! IM FINISHED!!!! IM SOOO HAPPY!!! YAY!!! I think i went well for my first DMC fanfic dont you?  
XD


End file.
